Adeoye Oyewole
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This
topic immediately appears absurd because marriage in our culture has
enormous positive rating, such that no one will immediately consider it
could have detrimental effects on health. This is very apparent in how
much goes into the ceremonies that are associated with it. In my
opinion, this is one of the most valuable sociological assets that
Africa has to give to the rest of the world because we have apparently
much more stable marriages.
Marriage is the fundamental relationship
of the family unit and a society is an aggregate of families. When there
is marital disharmony, the family life becomes threatened such that
members of the unit are affected, with the attendant multiplier effects
on the society.
However, despite our enormous positive
branding of marriage, it has potent issues that are of grave
consequences to our well being as participants and as a consequence to
others, especially the children.
The older generation had a philosophy of
marriage that was quite tilted in the support of men as the head because
Africa is a patriarchal society, as women of that generation were
subordinates who had no voice and unquestionably adapted to their
husbands. This made their marriages apparently successful, but the women
may have paid much price for this success.
They were mostly deprived of their right
to self determination in financial, social, emotional and religious
issues such that many came down with varied psychiatric disorders and
other physical illnesses as they employed immature defense mechanisms in
the process of enduring their marital ordeal. Some actually had
hypertension that became chronic because of the persistent situation in
the marital relationship, later resulting in complications like stroke,
heart and kidney problems. Some had chronic peptic ulcer disease arising
from prolonged fasting and deprivation as they became incapacitated
with marital problems they could not share with anyone.
However, the younger educated generation
has sought to replace the older ineffective philosophy of marriage,
having witnessed the marital problems of their parents. Modern wives are
gainfully engaged with life and are no longer financially dependent on
their men. This has altered the dynamics of our marital relationship in
the direction of combat and ego stalemates. Expectations are more
challenging than they used to be, as wives register their voices when
their husbands fail to meet up.
Communication channels become obstructed
and intimacy suffers, which leads to further alienation and
estrangement. Spouses begin to employ defense mechanisms to assert
independence in an interdependent relationship. For those in the
religious settings, they may engage in sex as a duty without mutual
consent, with the attendant psychological distress. The partners in this
setting harbour hurts, bitterness and resentment, which release
chemicals that poison the blood that abnormally excite the heart and
damage other organs. As a result, we begin to die slowly and for some,
suicide may just be a way of escape.
The setting of the modern marriage is no
longer that of the husband having a dominant, unquestionable role over
his wife, but that of a combat if necessary adjustment is not done. The
woman may come up with maladaptive coping mechanisms as she escapes into
over religiosity as the husband is seen as a devil that must be
avoided. Sexual intimacy becomes threatened, which can lead to divorce,
with devastating effects on the children.
The man may also feel threatened and his
ego fractured by the modern wife. He may keep his frustrations to
himself until he has a cardiac arrest or diagnosed of hypertension
capable of destroying his kidneys. Some escape into alcoholism that can
damage the liver, while others may take to addictive drugs as they
nurse their hurts in a relationship they have put in their ultimate.
For them, sexual escapades are common (if they do not have erectile
dysfunction), which may complicate an already threatened marital
relationship, especially with an illegitimate child.
The model of a modern marriage is that of
a team where the husband is developed to give leadership that must be
sacrificial and understanding, just as the wife responds to the
sacrifice by complimenting his efforts. This can only be worked out over
time with emphasis on selflessness and compromise.
There are also personality and attitude
factors predetermined by family background, social, professional and
religious exposure that must be considered in working out these
challenges. Difficult situations may require the help of mental health
professionals, as they can also do appropriate referrals where
necessary.
Premarital counseling is crucial where
personality and value-based assessments can be undertaken to forecast
compatibility in marriage. The ultimate goal of a sound marriage is
wholesome individualism in the context of an overriding marital
relationship that is jointly owned by two mature, complimentary adults
of the opposite sex as they strive to provide a conducive environment
for their children to grow.
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