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By Omar Gallaga, Special to
CNN
October 19, 2012 -- Updated 1411
GMT (2211 HKT) |
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With Apple vs. Samsung warfare
raging in the hearts and minds of the smartphone faithful, perhaps it's time
for a peace treaty.
Editor's note: Omar L. Gallaga is a tech-culture reporter for the Austin American-Statesman
and a technology contributor to CNN.com, NPR and Kirkus Reviews.
(CNN) -- On an historic autumn day in 2012, online warriors
from both sides of the epic Apple-Samsung feud agreed to set aside their
powerful smartphones and resolve their tensions, which had grown intolerable.
What follows is the HTML version of their agreement, the Cupertino-Seoul
Apple-Samsung Fanboy Treaty.
Conciliatory Treaty
WHEREAS, the respective Parties, the
Apple Fanboys (also known as "Apple Fanbois," "Fanb0yz,"
"iPhoners" or simply "The Mac Faithful," among many other
names) and the Samsung Fanboys (also known as "Apple H4terz,"
"Galaxians" or "Androiders") seek a lasting peace, both
online and off, and...
WHEREAS, online forums, queues for
new products and technology blogs have become polluted with smack talk, useless
feature comparisons and Photoshopped ads meant to deride and belittle each
other's device preference, and...
Apple vs. Samsung: Tale of two
countries
WHEREAS both sets of Parties
recognize that a competitive market is both critical and necessary for
continued technological innovation to benefit all, especially early adopters...
NOW, THEREFORE, the Parties agree to
abide by the agreements herein, enumerated in the terms of the articles set
forth below:
ARTICLE 1
Apple Fanboys agree not to keep
bringing up the August 2012 $1 billion patent verdict against Samsung as a way
of trying to squelch any disagreement over who may have copied what,
recognizing that the case covered a limited scope of features. Samsung Fanboys
will similarly cease efforts to end all arguments by discussing
"Open" versus "Closed" platforms, accepting that there are
numerous advantages and disadvantages to each.
ARTICLE 2
Apple Fanboys won't list how many
apps are available for iOS (more than 700,000, since the treaty brought it up)
on every message board about app development while Samsung Fanboys will
minimize cross-Party discussion of expandable SD-card memory, replaceable
batteries, screen size, NFC technology or how Android's notifications are still
way better than Apple's, even after Notification Center was added to iOS and
Mac OS X.
ARTICLE 3
Both Parties will agree that
Widgets, often touted as a selling point by Samsung Fanboys, are actually kinda
dumb, but then so is Apple's "Podcast" app, which is just absolutely
the worst. Apple Fanboys acknowledge that Animated Wallpaper would be a nice
feature to have while Samsung Fanboys admit that late at night, they sometimes
wake up screaming from nightmares about product upgrade fragmentation across
the Android platform.
ARTICLE 4
Apple Fanboys vow to stop taking the
words of Steve Jobs (RIP) about going thermonuclear on Google over Android as
personal marching orders. Samsung Fanboys agree to share some of the 50
Gigabytes of Dropbox storage that came with their Galaxy S3 phone and to let
Apple Fanboys play around with the Swype keyboard feature whenever it is requested.
ARTICLE 5
Both Parties agree to a complete and
immediate ban on mocking in the following manner: Apple Fanboys will no longer
pick up a Samsung Note device and hold it up to their ear, shouting,
"HELLO!? I THINK THIS PHONE IS TOO BIG FOR MY FACE!" Samsung Fanboys
likewise agree to stop posting images online of people holding up iPads to take
photos, superimposed with the word "FAIL" on the image.
ARTICLE 6
Samsung Fanboys agree to immediately
boycott and disown television commercials making fun of Apple customers
standing in line. Apple Fanboys, in exchange, promise to stop treating iPhone
and iPad launch days like a national holiday or, Steve Jobs forbid, like the
Woodstock of their generation.
ARTICLE 7
The oath to be taken by both Apple
and Samsung Fanboys upon ratification of this peace treaty shall be in the
following form: "I ....... do solemnly swear allegiance to all sleek,
cutting-edge, full-featured mobile devices, be they made by Apple or by
manufacturers of Android-based products. Should I feel the need to criticize,
boast by comparison or complain about a product that rivals the one I own and
use, such Internet-based venom will be directed at a third-party target [namely
Windows mobile or, ha ha, BlackBerry users. LAME.]."
IN WITNESS WHEREOF, the respective
Parties sign this Treaty by digital signature or QR Code, then Tweet a link for
all to see.
BY AGREEMENT OF BOTH PARTIES, war
between Apple and Samsung Fanboys is declared to have terminated October, 2012.
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