by Kemi Ashefon
Till
death does the parting, marriage is meant to be a life-long contract
between couples. To avoid crisis, couples must learn to make the centre
hold. How?
Set boundaries
Engaging in intimate conversations with members of the opposite sex leads to emotional experiences that becloud judgment, trigger fantasy life, and progress toward physical intimacies outside of marriage.
“Some men are like babies, who forever want to be in a toy shop, with the option of playing with any toy they come across. They don’t even respect their wives, as they fornicate all over the place as if they haven’t seen a woman before, how do you want your wife to feel? Make your woman your best friend, be considerate, have respect and show her love, if you don’t, someone else may just be doing that for you.”
—Charles Oputa, a.k.a Charly Boy
Don’t be selfish
This simply means placing your desires consistently ahead of your partner’s emotional needs. You respond only when it is convenient. Thus, your spouse feels unloved. When marriage partners don’t trust their needs will be met, they tend to meet their own needs first and become hesitant to share freely of themselves. Selfishness in its most destructive form involves control, jealousy, possessiveness, demands and abuse in order to get one’s way.
“I don’t get jealous over my husband’s female fans. They made him who he is today. I’m accustomed to it. He appreciates them but at the same time, he sets a barrier when the need arises. Most times when I go out with him and the girls come to greet him, I try to make them comfortable and even help them take pictures with him. I actually find it liberating when I do that.”
—Elsie Bright-Okpocha (Basketmouth’s wife)
Respect
Marriage needs acceptance, admiration, appreciation and emotional safety. It is disrespectful to try to change a spouse’s thinking by ridicule, threats, or negative aspersions. These perceived attacks on personality, character, intelligence or values undermine the mutual respect that forms the basis of love. It becomes hard to love or give of oneself when one feels unfairly judged or mistreated.
“We are like very close siblings—we have a strong bond. I believe nobody can come between us. Our relationship was and still is very ‘tight’. He’s my confidant, we talk a lot, there’s nothing happening around me that he doesn’t know. In fact, if you don’t want Chico to know anything, don’t bother telling me because I’d tell him. He’s the first person I call when I need to get anything done or have issues with anybody.”
—Joy Chico Ejiro
Anger control
Anger can have a useful purpose if it is listened to and leads to dialogue and constructive problem-solving. However, anger can either create more anger or withdrawal, both of which interfere with effective communications. “Tolerance, love and the fear of God are important to control anger. Most of the time, I apologise first. I go on my knees and I tell him I am sorry.”
—Sola Rotimi, Alariwo’s wife
Sexual fulfillment
When needs for sex and affection are not met, there is a challenge. People don’t marry to get a roommate. They expect to have an active and fulfilling sexual life. Chronic anger and conflict dampen a couple’s willingness to be affectionate with each other.
“Marriage has added a lot to my life. Before I got married, I could afford to be cheeky and say anything. Now, there is a form of responsibility I shoulder. As a married man, I have learnt a lot and I have grown. Also, being each other’s best friend makes marriage work.”
—Tunde Adewale a.k.a Tee A
Trust
Lies, deceit, disloyalty, secret habits, or emotional dishonesty about thoughts or feelings destroy trust and respect. Spouses who willingly don’t take or follow through with their personal responsibilities unfairly shift those burdens to their partner.
“I have always acknowledged the fact that my wife is adorable. I honestly don’t grow cold feet because of any devourer. My trust for her has formed the treasure and mental framework of our daily lives.”
— Ayo Makun, a.k.a AY
Set boundaries
Engaging in intimate conversations with members of the opposite sex leads to emotional experiences that becloud judgment, trigger fantasy life, and progress toward physical intimacies outside of marriage.
“Some men are like babies, who forever want to be in a toy shop, with the option of playing with any toy they come across. They don’t even respect their wives, as they fornicate all over the place as if they haven’t seen a woman before, how do you want your wife to feel? Make your woman your best friend, be considerate, have respect and show her love, if you don’t, someone else may just be doing that for you.”
—Charles Oputa, a.k.a Charly Boy
Don’t be selfish
This simply means placing your desires consistently ahead of your partner’s emotional needs. You respond only when it is convenient. Thus, your spouse feels unloved. When marriage partners don’t trust their needs will be met, they tend to meet their own needs first and become hesitant to share freely of themselves. Selfishness in its most destructive form involves control, jealousy, possessiveness, demands and abuse in order to get one’s way.
“I don’t get jealous over my husband’s female fans. They made him who he is today. I’m accustomed to it. He appreciates them but at the same time, he sets a barrier when the need arises. Most times when I go out with him and the girls come to greet him, I try to make them comfortable and even help them take pictures with him. I actually find it liberating when I do that.”
—Elsie Bright-Okpocha (Basketmouth’s wife)
Respect
Marriage needs acceptance, admiration, appreciation and emotional safety. It is disrespectful to try to change a spouse’s thinking by ridicule, threats, or negative aspersions. These perceived attacks on personality, character, intelligence or values undermine the mutual respect that forms the basis of love. It becomes hard to love or give of oneself when one feels unfairly judged or mistreated.
“We are like very close siblings—we have a strong bond. I believe nobody can come between us. Our relationship was and still is very ‘tight’. He’s my confidant, we talk a lot, there’s nothing happening around me that he doesn’t know. In fact, if you don’t want Chico to know anything, don’t bother telling me because I’d tell him. He’s the first person I call when I need to get anything done or have issues with anybody.”
—Joy Chico Ejiro
Anger control
Anger can have a useful purpose if it is listened to and leads to dialogue and constructive problem-solving. However, anger can either create more anger or withdrawal, both of which interfere with effective communications. “Tolerance, love and the fear of God are important to control anger. Most of the time, I apologise first. I go on my knees and I tell him I am sorry.”
—Sola Rotimi, Alariwo’s wife
Sexual fulfillment
When needs for sex and affection are not met, there is a challenge. People don’t marry to get a roommate. They expect to have an active and fulfilling sexual life. Chronic anger and conflict dampen a couple’s willingness to be affectionate with each other.
“Marriage has added a lot to my life. Before I got married, I could afford to be cheeky and say anything. Now, there is a form of responsibility I shoulder. As a married man, I have learnt a lot and I have grown. Also, being each other’s best friend makes marriage work.”
—Tunde Adewale a.k.a Tee A
Trust
Lies, deceit, disloyalty, secret habits, or emotional dishonesty about thoughts or feelings destroy trust and respect. Spouses who willingly don’t take or follow through with their personal responsibilities unfairly shift those burdens to their partner.
“I have always acknowledged the fact that my wife is adorable. I honestly don’t grow cold feet because of any devourer. My trust for her has formed the treasure and mental framework of our daily lives.”
— Ayo Makun, a.k.a AY
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