Put your home in order against financial crisis

 by Ademola Alawiye

Money issues in marriage, if not properly handled, can lead to divorce. The lack of money is not the problem, but how couples manage what they have, ADEMOLA ALAWIYE writes

Money problems in marriage are often the result of buried emotions. The math behind such calculation is always simple and any simple calculator will balance it.

However, emotions are always part of the equation when it comes to financial behaviour. This is especially true with money problems in marriage. When emotions are communicated and acknowledged in healthy ways, the path to financial wellness is cleared.

According to divorce lawyer, Ms. Wendy Jaffe, issues related to household finances account for one of the nine ‘symptoms’ of divorce. She says, “At the first sign of money problems in a marriage, take action to start resolving the situation. You may find that proactively tackling the issue could help make the marriage even stronger.”

Analysts say using the tips below will help couples learn how to discuss money problems in marriage so that they can finally work towards their goals.

Define the role money plays in your marriage

It’s helpful for both partners to address this question. The way money is handled within a marriage is often times a reaction, or symptom, of underlying issues. Is one spouse’s overspending a reaction to an underlying problem, such as feelings of being controlled? Does one spouse overspend on gifts for the other? In the first situation, money serves as a weapon. In the second situation, money is tool for expressing love. Money can be used to supplement all sorts of emotions. What does the way you handle money reveal about your feelings about your marriage? What is your spouse revealing?

Acknowledge emotions

Like it or not, you both are expressing these buried emotions through your handling of money. Being compassionate with yourself, as well as empathic with your spouse, is the first step to discussing money problems in marriage. Using the insight you gained from step one, take care to not blame each other. Perhaps you do feel controlled by your spouse. While expressing this feeling, acknowledge that your spouse may in fact be feeling anxious over your financial actions, and is only trying to curb that anxiety. Accepting the cause and effect cycle of financial behavior without personal attacks will help you both be more responsible.

Nurture your emotions

As you have learned, money issues and marriage issues are often the same. Digest these revelations. What can you do to help your spouse feel less anxious? Or, if control issues are the problem, what can the controlling spouse do to offer more flexibility? Conversely, what can the controlled spouse do to ease the anxieties of the other? Keep these ideas specific and include your emotions. Saying “Give me more money to spend” will not be helpful. But, stating that N3, 000 per week would make you feel more independent will help your spouse understand your perspective. Remember, respond to your spouse’s needs as well.

Encourage equality

It doesn’t matter who may be at fault for the money problems in marriage. It also doesn’t matter who makes the most money. In fact, adopting anything other than an egalitarian stance in financial matters will only breed the negative emotions that stand in the way of financial health. Each person should have a say in financial decisions and both should share responsibility for the outcome of those decisions.

Seek the advice of a financial or personal budgeting adviser immediately

This neutral party can help you and your spouse put the money situation into the proper perspective so that you can both move toward a solution. Also, consult with a marriage counselor regularly to help you manage the stresses of the money issue and understand each other as you make these adjustments to your life and budget. Agree to abide by your new financial goals, keeping the specific advice you received from your financial adviser in mind. If necessary, sign a written agreement regarding your commitment to resolving the money problem.

Discuss the money issue in plain language with your spouse

Take a business-style approach to the situation and leave personal matters and emotions out of the equation. Think of this as an official business meeting to embark on a new project for your marriage. Set realistic, actionable and measurable financial management goals that you both can reasonably achieve. For instance, a goal would be to pay off your debt by a certain date or save at least N300, 000 over the next year.

Prepare a budget

Create a firm budget for you and your spouse. You can create a budget in a standard spreadsheet program and update as needed (but only with the consent of both you and your spouse). Now that negative emotions have been dealt with, you are now ready to crunch the numbers. It’s okay for one person to do the legwork. However, both spouses must meet regularly to make budget decisions. Remember to deal with negative emotions as they come up. Be sure that each spouse is valued as an equal partner in the financial relationship. Finally, accept the numbers as what they are- simply numbers. By refusing to place yourself worth on your money, you will be better able to make sound financial decisions.