The film tells the story of a couple, Jimah (Jimmy Jean-Louis) and Pabi (Ama Abebrese), whose marriage turns into violence and abuse when Jimah becomes disfigured in a domestic accident.
After the movie was over, my friend asked how would a woman know if her relationship wouldn't turn abusive. Are there pointers that let a woman know if her man wouldn't hit her after they get married?
Honestly, I didn't have a good answer as I haven't been in or witnessed a situation where a spouse is abused. I take that back - I have seen where a spouse is abused but I wasn't privy to what led to the abuse.
While there are several signs of an abusive relationship, the most telling sign, in my opinion, is FEAR - fear of your partner. If you feel like you have to walk on egg shell around your partner, constantly watching what you say or do in order to avoid "trouble", there is a high chance that the relationship is unhealthy and abusive.
I did some research and found an article on yourtango.com that addresses signs of an abusive relationship.
Before I proceed, I'd like to add that if you are in an abusive relationship, by all means please get out of that situation, especially if you are yet to be married.
I'm not advocating for divorce and I believe firmly in marriage and everything it stands for. However, if your spouse abuses you (especially physical abuse), you need to get away from him/her while you work out your differences (if possible).
Here are 15 signs that you might be in an abusive relationship:
1. He pushes for quick involvement. He comes on strong, claiming, "I've never felt loved like this before by anyone." You get pressured for an exclusive commitment almost immediately.
2. There is jealousy. Your partner is excessively possessive, calls constantly, or visits unexpectedly.
3. He is controlling. He interrogates you intensely about who you talked to and where you were; checks mileage on the car; keeps all the money or asks for receipts; insists you ask for permission to go anywhere or do anything.
4. He has very unrealistic expectations. He expects you to be the perfect person and meet his every need.
5. There is isolation. He tries to cut you off from family and friends; deprives you of a phone or car, or tries to prevent you from holding a job.
6. He blames others for his own mistakes. The boss, family, you - it's always someone else's fault if anything goes wrong.
7. He makes everyone else responsible for their feelings. The abuser says, "You make me angry" instead of "I'm angry." "I wouldn't get so pissed off if you wouldn't...
8. There is hypersensitivity. He is easily insulted and will often rant and rave about injustices that are just part of life.
9. He is cruel to animals and children. He kills or punishes animals brutally. He also may expect children to do things beyond their ability, or tease them until they cry.
10. His "playful" use of force during sex. He enjoys throwing you down or holding you down against your will; intimidates, manipulates, or forces you to engage in unwanted sex acts.
11. There is verbal abuse. He constantly criticizes you or says cruel things; degrades, curses, calls you ugly names. He will use vulnerable points about your past/life against you.
12. There are rigid gender roles. He Expects you to serve, obey, and remain at home.
13. He has sudden mood swings. He switches from loving to angry in a matter of minutes.
14. He has a past of battering. He admits to hitting women in the past, but states that they or the situation brought it on.
15. There are threats of violence. He makes statements such as, "I'll break your neck," but then dismisses it with "I really didn't mean it."
By no means is this an all-inclusive list. If you are already in an abusive relationship, get help immediately! Sadly, statistics shows that it takes about five to seven acts of violence before a woman leaves her abuser. If you aren't married, why not plan not to enter into an abusive relationship in the first place.
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