It got me
reflecting on the folks I’ve removed from my life over the years (not removed
in the Mafioso sense – I mean ‘stopped interacting with’), or those I’ve
encouraged others to remove. It might sound callous or draconian, but I’m
convinced that life is too short to have people around you on a daily basis who
make it more difficult to succeed or to be happy.
Now of course, we all have days when
even the folks we’re fondest of – friends, colleagues, family – make us want to
tear our hair out. That’s not what I ‘m talking about (that’s life on the
planet). I’m talking about those folks who consistently make your life
harder or less pleasant.
So, here’s my observation of the
three types of people to invite out of your life:
Energy
vampires. Some people just wear you out; you
feel more tired and stressed, less vital after interacting with them. These
folks seem to believe that the main job of their friends and colleagues is to
help them feel better. I once had a friend who required hours and hours
of “processing” – his pain, difficulty, emotional upheaval, the unfairness of
his past life: everything needed to be gone over ad infinitim. Sadly, no matter
how deeply you listen, no matter how much counsel you offer, no matter how much
you put your own needs on the back burner to support these folks, it will not
be enough. Think about the friends and colleagues who consistently take
more from you than they give back, and ask yourself why you’re still offering
yourself to be sucked dry.
I Me Mine: My brother used to be married to someone who expected much
more from others, on a daily basis, than she was willing to give. For instance,
she had no problem asking someone to babysit for her child, or watch her house,
or run an errand for her…but when it came time to reciprocate, somehow it just
never seemed possible. When she came to visit, everything had to be
oriented to accommodate her: the foods she required, the quietest room with the
proper light, the cats farmed out to friends because of her allergies. No such
accommodations were possible when others visited her. “I Me Mine” people
are the center of their own universe, and if they’re in your life, you are
always going to have to work around their needs and preferences.
Collaboration, reciprocity and give and take are not part of their
vocabulary. Do what you can to minimize your interactions with these
folks (although they may let you know in no uncertain terms that you’re being
unreasonable or unfair not to be available to fulfill their every whim).
Liars. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice,
shame on me. Fool me three times – why are you still on the list of
people whose calls I return? If someone is consistently unreliable, or
tells you things that aren’t true, or says one thing to you and another thing
to someone else in order to protect themselves….cut them loose. Liars are the
worst. Energy Vampires and I Me Mines are a pain and make your life more
difficult – but Liars can create honest-to-goodness legal and moral problems.
The great thing to realize is that
you actually have the power to do this. You don’t need have to these
people in your life. You can kindly but firmly minimize your
interactions with them. And that frees you up to invite wonderful people
into your life.
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