Protecting our children from sexual abuse

March 22, 2014 by Funmi Akingbade

   

 

Funmi Akingbade
| credits: File copy

Recently, stories of child abuse and rape leading to death have been rampant in our community. Sixty seven per cent of all victims of sexual assault reported to the police were children under the age of 18. Some 34 per cent are under the age of 12 and one out of every seven victims is under the age of six. Child sexual abuse is something we all have to be concerned about. So how can we recognise signs that our child may have been a victim of sex abuse?

We can prevent it by cautioning our children from taking ‘things’ from strangers and to be extra careful while in strange environment. It is also about being watchful in our homes. As a matter of fact, assaults by strangers account for just 13 per cent of molestations in children under the age of six and just 15 per cent in children aged six to 11.

One of the major patterns to stem this is winning the trust of our children. Ironically, children are abused by adults that our children know and trust. And such abuse often occurs right under our nose in our homes.

Some of the criminals, crooks and delinquents are not only ‘dirty old men’ but strangers lurking in backstreets. More often, they are known and trusted by us and our children and oftentimes, they are members of our family. They can even be the neighbour that the children stay with while we step out. They may even be close family friends, house helps, male or female.

There is therefore a need for parents to be vigilant. We should strike a balance between protecting our children and encouraging growth and trust.

Early intervention and taking steps to prevent abuse before it actually happens should be our watchword. One of the best ways is consistently discussing the topic with our children. By this, it is easy for these children to take steps to prevent abuse before it actually happens. Also important is for children to understand what sexual abuse is and not.

I have discovered that many children at whatever age understand easily when parents use the concept of “good touch,” “bad touch,” and “secret touch.” There are ‘good’ touches – like a hug, or a pat on the back or a kiss on the forehead from uncles or daddy’s friends or mummy’s friends. And there are ‘bad’ touches – like when somebody hits you or pushes you. And there are ‘secret’ touches.  Then, make sure the child knows that if anybody wants to give them a “secret” touch, they should say “no” and tell mummy or daddy right away. Parents can explain the most secret places in the body to these children.

You can tell them that any area where one has to cover every time is their private parts and this is the area they should not allow other people to touch. Parents can even use the ‘bathing suit comparison’ to further help their children define “secret touch” areas. As the child gets older, more age-appropriate details can be added and parents need to have this talk with their children frequently. Make it part of family conversation. When your child comes home from school, ask them to tell you about the ‘good’ touches they had that day; then ask them about any ‘bad’ touches. Finally ask if anyone tried to have a secret touch. If your child gets used to hearing these terms, they will feel more comfortable sharing information with you on any subject.

 In addition, please kindly get used to your children’s behavioural pattern; know what is his or her “normal” behaviour as this will help you to immediately recognise when anything is happening or something has gone wrong. Basically, if a child’s behaviour changes significantly in a way that does not fit with normal development, aside checking out whether the child is sick, the most important thing to consider is sexual abuse or other traumatic experiences. Please do not beat them up and conclude they are mischievous, wayward, wicked, bad or disobedient. These children are individuals with feelings; listen to their feelings. If you notice the child becomes uncomfortable every time he has to spend time with Uncle so so and so or refuses to go to grandma’s house or insists you have to take him to school instead of the house girl, please listen to the heart of the child. He or she may be trying to pass a message across.

At the same time, parents should not jump to conclusion prematurely by a single observation. What you really need to do is look toward a pattern of events and situations that seem to tell a story. While young kids will often just blurt out scenarios, older children are often very protective of their abuser and may be less forthcoming. So, sometimes they may be reluctant, particularly because they are mostly fully aware of the impact, humiliation, gossips and shame involved.

Parents have to be familiar with some of the common signs of abuse. These are actually warning signs of trouble such as a sudden desire to touch their bodies or the bodies of other children or even adults, to want their parents to touch them. This is often done in an attempt to “normalise” the behaviour they have experienced with their abusers. Sometimes it can be a sign that such a child has been exposed to pornography. It might sometimes be a sudden or rapid onset of fears, the fear of being around a certain person, or fears about attending a regular activity they normally looked forward to before. A strong preference not to be around, go with, or be left in the care of a particular person should concern their parents. Some other times, it might just be a sudden change in personality and this can be very obvious. The most common signs of abuse are physical; so be on the lookout for an unusual discharge from the vagina, penis, rectal or genitals, bleeding, anal tears or dilation, bruises, scars, or bite marks in the genital area.

Questions and Answers

Is it possible to urinate during sex?

Yes, you may feel the need to urinate because the penis has a way of poking the bladder. To prevent this, go to the bathroom right before sex; that will ease your mind about feeling like you have to pee in the middle of lovemaking. The other thing you should do [because it will help strengthen muscles down there and give you deeper orgasms] is Kegel exercise. You can do this anywhere while sitting at your desk or waiting in line. To do Kegels, isolate the muscle that controls the flow of urine, contract it, count to 10, then release. Start with a hundred of these a day, and build up to about 300.

Another possibility is that you are experiencing “female ejaculation” during sex. This happens when your husband hits your G-spot (a small gland on the upper wall of the vagina that feels spongy). This is good, because it will give you more intense orgasms. But for some women, stimulating the G-spot causes a clear fluid — females ejaculate — to be expelled from the Skene’s gland, also known as the urethral sponge. This can happen right before or during an orgasm. It’s not urine, but since it’s a fluid from the same vicinity, it’s often mistaken for it.

I can’t keep an erection with condom

When having sex, I’ll have a healthy erection and after some time, my erection gets weaker when using a condom. If I take the condom off, I’m able to regain a strong erection again. What is causing this and what can I do to fix this problem? I want to be able to please my wife as well as prevent pregnancy.

Try a different brand of condom. Some are thicker and less sensitive than others. Have a condom on during foreplay and get used to it. If you are losing your erection, just relax and allow your partner to help you out. It will most likely come back.

There is nothing physically wrong with you or your condom use. This may just be psychological. With a caring and understanding wife, your sexual exploits can last longer and actually be more interesting by repeatedly getting and losing an erection. Besides, there are many more ways to please your wife than with your penis.  Have you tried a blow-job on her recently? Have you taken time to ask her to tell you her trigger points or spent enough time with those spots? If not, please do so and get back to me.  

What does safe sex really mean; is it attainable?

 Ideally, safe sex means only having sex with someone who is not involved with other sex partners and who is not involved with hard drugs and who you’re absolutely, positively, 100 per cent sure has not had sex with anyone else before or in years.

In reality, although it may seem difficult to discover such individual or maintain such a relationship, it is absolutely possible.  Safe sex means not having sex until you trust a person as a life partner and eventually getting married.

Even better: if you intend getting married to anyone, it is good not to have sex until you and your partner are tested for every other forms of STDs and AIDS. And don’t have the AIDS test until you’ve been dating for a long time (because recent research has shown it can take years for the AIDS antibodies to show up). In the meantime, be as focused as you can and concentrate more on worthwhile ventures that will increase your life productivity level. Note that sexual need is not like water, food or air.

Actually it should be treated as an opportunity to experiment and have fun rather than as a hindrance to sexual expression, delaying intercourse can be very exciting.