The 7 Pitfalls:
1. s*x.
Let’s be honest here. s*x is one of the primary reasons men gladly get into a committed relationship. They think it will be on demand and wild. Often it is for the first few months and then things change.
Whether it is at six months, one year, or whenever, there will come a time when the quantity of s*x changes. It might be due to tiredness, illness, boredom, or demands of the children, but it will change.
If, and this one is usually pure luck, if you find a partner who has similar s*x needs, the road back to an ongoing and mutually satisfying s*xual relationship will be easier. If not, if you have differing s*x needs, the relationship can stumble and crash on this pitfall.
The relationship may not fall apart right away but over time the foundation will erode as the connecting power of s*x slips away into the night. You may stay for the kids, or because you think you can deal with the lack of s*x, and if not, you will justify using a prostitute, having an affair or taking on a mistress.
Successfully navigating this pitfall takes patience, communication, flexibility and lots of love. And the biggest thing about s*xual relations that they didn’t teach in school – it changes over time.
2. Money.
Money is a huge problem for many couples. It becomes the focal point of the hidden stresses in the relationship. All the little irritations and pet peeves flow nicely into money conflict. Money gives you something tangible to latch onto and make the other person wrong.
Money problems are exacerbated when there is a lack of communication, secrets, and shame. Without the ability to deal effectively with the conflict that is sparked by money, tensions rise, anger increases and love suffers.
3. Children.
I love children. You may not. But love them or hate them, they are your responsibility. And that’s part of the problem. It is a 24/7 job with no down time. Having children can skew your view of your partner. That’s assuming you even see him or her anymore.
Obviously, when your children are newborns, they demand your complete attention. Unfortunately, some parents forget that they have a partner. This is a setup for a big problem down the line. It might show up within a year for a partner with little patience, or fifteen years later when one partner realizes that they simply do not have a relationship anymore with the person they used to love.
Don’t let the kids make you forget your romantic relationship.
4. Boredom.
It is easy to fall into the boredom trap. It is an insidious pitfall, one that silently creeps up on you and strikes swiftly in the night. You wake up one morning in a sweat wondering what the hell your life is all about. Everything looks grey and this matches your feeling. Life tastes like ash and you thirst for something, anything, to wash away the tasteless filth in your mouth and soul.
Welcome to boredom and ennui. It seems that Homo sapiens have a need for novelty that is hard-wired into us. Who knew? I thought there was something wrong with me. Not that I get bored very often, but it does happen. Where it can be a problem is when you get bored with your partner.
Unless you two have been conscious and actively engaged in keeping your relationship alive, you will get bored with him or her at some point. It’s natural, so don’t fight it. Acknowledge it with your partner and look to how you can put some excitement back into your relationship and life.
5. Fighting.
A.K.A. “conflict management.” I hate that term. It feels like an efficiency team at some corporation came up with that phrase during a brain storming session. I like more down to earth terms that don’t try and whitewash or candy coat what is really happening. We are fighting, arguing, getting defensive, attacking, pouting, raging, stone-walling, guilting, etc.
Fighting is a nasty business and nobody likes losing. As a man I was taught to win at all costs and never admit defeat. This spilled over into relationships when I was younger. It was so bad that I didn’t apologize to a woman until I was in my mid-thirties, and I nearly choked the first time I did.
Again, unless you saw your parents fight in a constructive manner, you don’t have a clue how to fight effectively. And if you do have a clue, your partner may not.
Learning to fight effectively is often learned, if it is learned at all, by trial and error over time or by reading a book on communication or going to therapy. Sad but true.
6. Secrets.
Do you remember when you first fell in love? You and your partner spent endless hours talking to each other, getting to know each other. As trust was built you divulged more and more of yourself, even sharing dreams and dark secrets. In this protective bubble of love you were safe.
And then, one day, you forget to tell your partner something. Nothing big, nothing special, just some small experience you had. The next day you deliberately withhold a belief, a preference, a wish or desire.
Before you know it, your conversation has a stilted quality to it – there is not much to say or share. At the end of this process, you find yourself with little in common with your partner and wonder how this happened.
In worse case scenarios, and I deal with lots of them, you are caught up in an affair and are now actively lying and betraying your spouse on a daily basis. Welcome to hell.
7. Taking your partner for granted.
This is easy to do, especially in a good relationship. Things are going well and you think it is the natural order of things. It isn’t. Life is full of surprises and demanding challenges which require a flexible response if you are to overcome the drama you face.
When your eye strays from your purpose in relationship, when you take your loved one for granted and do not recognize and honor the gift that has been given you, feelings are hurt.
Of all the pitfalls this is probably the easiest to fix. All it takes is giving your partner time and attention (though finding time might be a challenge) and then making the effort on a consistent basis. Oh, it goes both ways. If you feel taken for granted make sure you communicate your feelings and needs.
These pitfalls are real and if you are in a relationship for any length of time you will encounter, if not all of them, most of them. We are not told what to watch out for when we enter a marriage or committed relationship (unless you have taken one of those pre-marital courses religious organizations offer). We enter blindly, guided only by the cultural norms and the media, both of which are suspect at the best of times.
Over the years, I have found two critical factors that have supported me when dealing with these pitfalls. One, is awareness that they (pitfalls) exist and two, having the willingness to communicate with my partner whenever one of these challenges enters my life.
If they enter your life, don’t hesitate. They will not go away on their own and the longer you wait the more difficult it will be to deal with them. If you try to avoid these pitfalls, they turn from being challenges into relationship killers.
This article was originally published at The Good Men Project.
The 7 Pitfalls:
1. s*x.
Let’s be honest here. s*x is one of the primary reasons men gladly get into a committed relationship. They think it will be on demand and wild. Often it is for the first few months and then things change.
Whether it is at six months, one year, or whenever, there will come a time when the quantity of s*x changes. It might be due to tiredness, illness, boredom, or demands of the children, but it will change.
If, and this one is usually pure luck, if you find a partner who has similar s*x needs, the road back to an ongoing and mutually satisfying s*xual relationship will be easier. If not, if you have differing s*x needs, the relationship can stumble and crash on this pitfall.
The relationship may not fall apart right away but over time the foundation will erode as the connecting power of s*x slips away into the night. You may stay for the kids, or because you think you can deal with the lack of s*x, and if not, you will justify using a prostitute, having an affair or taking on a mistress.
Successfully navigating this pitfall takes patience, communication, flexibility and lots of love. And the biggest thing about s*xual relations that they didn’t teach in school – it changes over time.
2. Money.
Money is a huge problem for many couples. It becomes the focal point of the hidden stresses in the relationship. All the little irritations and pet peeves flow nicely into money conflict. Money gives you something tangible to latch onto and make the other person wrong.
Money problems are exacerbated when there is a lack of communication, secrets, and shame. Without the ability to deal effectively with the conflict that is sparked by money, tensions rise, anger increases and love suffers.
3. Children.
I love children. You may not. But love them or hate them, they are your responsibility. And that’s part of the problem. It is a 24/7 job with no down time. Having children can skew your view of your partner. That’s assuming you even see him or her anymore.
Obviously, when your children are newborns, they demand your complete attention. Unfortunately, some parents forget that they have a partner. This is a setup for a big problem down the line. It might show up within a year for a partner with little patience, or fifteen years later when one partner realizes that they simply do not have a relationship anymore with the person they used to love.
Don’t let the kids make you forget your romantic relationship.
4. Boredom.
It is easy to fall into the boredom trap. It is an insidious pitfall, one that silently creeps up on you and strikes swiftly in the night. You wake up one morning in a sweat wondering what the hell your life is all about. Everything looks grey and this matches your feeling. Life tastes like ash and you thirst for something, anything, to wash away the tasteless filth in your mouth and soul.
Welcome to boredom and ennui. It seems that Homo sapiens have a need for novelty that is hard-wired into us. Who knew? I thought there was something wrong with me. Not that I get bored very often, but it does happen. Where it can be a problem is when you get bored with your partner.
Unless you two have been conscious and actively engaged in keeping your relationship alive, you will get bored with him or her at some point. It’s natural, so don’t fight it. Acknowledge it with your partner and look to how you can put some excitement back into your relationship and life.
5. Fighting.
A.K.A. “conflict management.” I hate that term. It feels like an efficiency team at some corporation came up with that phrase during a brain storming session. I like more down to earth terms that don’t try and whitewash or candy coat what is really happening. We are fighting, arguing, getting defensive, attacking, pouting, raging, stone-walling, guilting, etc.
Fighting is a nasty business and nobody likes losing. As a man I was taught to win at all costs and never admit defeat. This spilled over into relationships when I was younger. It was so bad that I didn’t apologize to a woman until I was in my mid-thirties, and I nearly choked the first time I did.
Again, unless you saw your parents fight in a constructive manner, you don’t have a clue how to fight effectively. And if you do have a clue, your partner may not.
Learning to fight effectively is often learned, if it is learned at all, by trial and error over time or by reading a book on communication or going to therapy. Sad but true.
6. Secrets.
Do you remember when you first fell in love? You and your partner spent endless hours talking to each other, getting to know each other. As trust was built you divulged more and more of yourself, even sharing dreams and dark secrets. In this protective bubble of love you were safe.
And then, one day, you forget to tell your partner something. Nothing big, nothing special, just some small experience you had. The next day you deliberately withhold a belief, a preference, a wish or desire.
Before you know it, your conversation has a stilted quality to it – there is not much to say or share. At the end of this process, you find yourself with little in common with your partner and wonder how this happened.
In worse case scenarios, and I deal with lots of them, you are caught up in an affair and are now actively lying and betraying your spouse on a daily basis. Welcome to hell.
7. Taking your partner for granted.
This is easy to do, especially in a good relationship. Things are going well and you think it is the natural order of things. It isn’t. Life is full of surprises and demanding challenges which require a flexible response if you are to overcome the drama you face.
When your eye strays from your purpose in relationship, when you take your loved one for granted and do not recognize and honor the gift that has been given you, feelings are hurt.
Of all the pitfalls this is probably the easiest to fix. All it takes is giving your partner time and attention (though finding time might be a challenge) and then making the effort on a consistent basis. Oh, it goes both ways. If you feel taken for granted make sure you communicate your feelings and needs.
These pitfalls are real and if you are in a relationship for any length of time you will encounter, if not all of them, most of them. We are not told what to watch out for when we enter a marriage or committed relationship (unless you have taken one of those pre-marital courses religious organizations offer). We enter blindly, guided only by the cultural norms and the media, both of which are suspect at the best of times.
Over the years, I have found two critical factors that have supported me when dealing with these pitfalls. One, is awareness that they (pitfalls) exist and two, having the willingness to communicate with my partner whenever one of these challenges enters my life.
If they enter your life, don’t hesitate. They will not go away on their own and the longer you wait the more difficult it will be to deal with them. If you try to avoid these pitfalls, they turn from being challenges into relationship killers.
This article was originally published at The Good Men Project.
This article was originally published at The Good Men Project.
No comments:
Post a Comment