Most people know someone who seems to make every situation toxic and
impossible. Pointing out that these people are difficult and demanding
won't get you anywhere, though — odds are, they don't even see a
problem. Whether the issue is caused by a personality disorder or some
other underlying issue, here's how to navigate interactions with
impossible people and preserve your own sanity.
Handling Conflicts
1
Resist the urge to be defensive. Understand very clearly that you cannot beat these kinds of people;
they're called "impossible" for a reason. In their minds, you are the
source of all wrongdoing, and nothing you can say is going to make them
consider your side of the story. Your opinion is of no consequence,
because you are already guilty, no matter what.
2
Accept the situation.
Impossible people exist; there isn't a thing you can do about it. The
first step is all about facing reality: if you think you might be
dealing with an impossible person, you're probably right. When in doubt,
proceed as instructed below. The headaches you save will be your own.
3
Do not call out the other person.
Bluntly stating the problem will not improve your relationship with
someone impossible. Instead of reaching a reconciliation, he or she will
likely just become more difficult. Recognize that you can't handle this
like you would any other personal conflict — it's a special situation.
- In some ways, they need to be treated like children. Give up all
hope of engaging these folks in any kind of reasonable conversation. It
will never happen, at least with you. Remember what happened the last
fifty times you tried to have a civilized discussion about the status of
your relationship with this person. Chances are, every such attempt
ended in you being blamed for everything. Decide now to quit banging
your head against a brick wall.
4
Understand that it's not you, it's them.
This can be surprisingly difficult, considering that impossible people
have complete mastery of shifting the blame. Chances are, the more often
they blame you, the more they themselves are actually at fault.
- Keep in mind that this is not to be used as a way to blame
them. Blaming is what impossible people do, and they do it well.
Instead, you are only facing the facts, for your own sake.
- That being said, here's a simple way to tell: if you accept
responsibility for your own faults and resolve to improve yourself, it's
probably not you. Remember, impossible people "can do no wrong."
5
Remember to "detach, disassociate and diffuse." When you're in the middle of a conflict with an impossible person, use this strategy:
- Detach: Staying calm in the heat of the moment is paramount to your
personal preservation. Spitting angry words, reacting with extreme
emotions such as crying, will only stimulate them to do more of the
difficult behavior.
- Disassociate: Remove yourself from the situation and treat it with
indifference. Do not, under any circumstances bad talk to their face or
to anyone else because then you are sinking down to their level. Add
something positive by redirection such as by focusing on something,
anything, positive in the situation or in the conversation. Whatever you
do just stay calm!
- Diffuse: It can help to realize that the side of a conversation that
contains the most truth will always win out, and it's best to "name the
game" that an impossible person is playing, usually by asking them or
the group a question that starts "Why...," (rephrasing their
"impossible" position to illuminate the consequences). You will move the
conversation to a higher level, and the group, or even just the
impossible individual, in a one-on-one, will respond to this "higher
truth," although the individual will usually respond by (more)
obfuscating.
6
Guard against anger. If it helps, consider the fact that your anger is actually a precious gift
to the impossible person. Anything you do or say while angry will be
used against you over and over again. Impossible people tend to have
amazing memories, and they will not hesitate to use a nearly endless
laundry list of complaints from the past against you. Five years from
now, you could be hearing about the angry remark you made today (which
you didn't even mean in the first place). Impossible people will seize
anything that provides them the opportunity to lay blame like it was
gold.
7
Prepare for projection.
Understand that you are going to be accused of much (or all) of this
behavior yourself. If your impossible person gets a look at this text,
to them it will look like a page about you. Prepare yourself for the
fact that the impossible person's flaws and failings will always be
attributed to you.
- Remember, in their minds, you are at fault for everything! They will
have an endless supply of arguments to support this, and if you make
the mistake of encouraging them, they will be more than happy to tell
you why you are the impossible person, and how ironic it is that you are under the mistaken impression that it is them.
Long-Term Management
1
Be a manager. Until
it is over, your task in the relationship is to manage the impossible
person, so that he or she deals less damage to you.
- As a manager, your best resources are silence (it really is golden
in some cases such as this), humoring the other, and abandoning all hope
of "fixing" the impossible person. Impossible people do not listen to
reason. They can't (and even if they could, they wouldn't).
- Recognize that you can't convince them that they have any
responsibility for the problems between you. They don't recognize (or if
they did, wouldn't try to improve) their flaws for a very logical
reason; they don't have any flaws. You must understand and manage
this mindset without casting blame and without giving in to anger. It's
far easier said than done, and you will slip from time to time, but as time goes on, you'll become a better manager.
2
Consider that it might be a question of compatibility.
Sometimes, a person who gets along with everybody else quite well is an
impossible person for you personally. Most relationships between people
contain many shades of gray, but some people simply mix as well as oil
and water.
- It is common to hear your impossible person proclaim "Everyone else
likes me." This is an attempt to shift the blame to you, so don't buy
it. It doesn't matter how this person interacts with others. The fact
is, the way the two of you interact together is terrible. Remember that
blame never changes the facts.
3
Don't get cornered. Avoid one-on-ones with this type of person, actively;
in other words, when you see them coming to corner you, suggest, and
then demand that at least a third party be brought in. This will often
thwart the impossible person's plans, and a typical response from them
will be to unilaterally decide that "we don't need anyone else." You are
perfectly free to claim your need for a third party to help your
understanding, and insist upon it. Bullies never stand up to a crowd.
4
Protect your self-esteem.
If you have regular dealings with someone who tries to portray you as
the source of all evil, you need to take active steps to maintain a
positive self-image.
- Remind yourself that this person's opinion is not necessarily the
truth. Understand that oftentimes, impossible people are particularly
"fact-challenged."
- If the attacks have little basis in raw fact, dismiss them. You
can't possibly be as bad as this person would like you to believe you
are. Do not defend yourself out loud, however. It will only provoke the impossible person into another tirade.
5
Prepare to part ways.
Understand that eventually, you'll have to create a separation between
yourself and an impossible person. Whether they are a friend, a family
member, a parent, even a spouse, the time to leave will eventually
manifest. Maintaining a relationship with an impossible person is,
literally, impossible.
- If you can't (or won't) make a physical departure immediately, make a
mental one. In your mind, you've already left the relationship. The
only thing left to do is wait for physical reality to reflect that fact.
6
Avoid picking up impossible traits. If you aren't careful, you could find yourself
adopting much of the offender's own behavior, even if you aren't
voluntarily trying. Eschew blame entirely by understanding that this is
just the way the other person is. These things define the impossible
person's actions, and nothing you do can change any part of their past.
7
Protect your privacy.
Impossible people will use any information on your personal life
however small as a trump card against you. They can spin stories about
you to other people (especially those close to you both) on a simple
comment you made over lunch. Since they are specialists in manipulation,
they are very good at making you talk.
- Impossible people are good at seeming normal, and unless you are
very convinced of who you are and where you stand in relation to the
slight madness of this person, there will be times where you think "Hey,
she's not so bad after all. I guess I could tell her what I am going
through these days...." Big mistake! It will come back to you when you
least expect it, in the most dirty and manipulative way. Things shared
in confidence late night at the office between the two of you can be
used in an ice cold analysis in front of the whole company in a moment
where the impossible person needs to get on top of you. He/she will
spare no information to prove to others how well they know you, and such
know what the best way to "handle" you is.
8
Be the opposite of them: a possible person. Live as an example of tolerance, patience, humility, and even some kindness (as difficult as that may be).
- We are all influenced by the people in our environment — they don't
have to be perfect all the time and neither do you. Give respect because
you are human. If you don't receive respect, that's -sadly-
their problem. Give understanding, and you get understanding. Ultimately
this sort of behavior is probably the only thing that might get through
to them. They may not change in everything, but you can safely expect a
change.
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