Sometimes a little foresight can save your upcoming nuptials.Jordin Althaus/Hulu
Whether or not you're in a relationship, most of us tend to ask ourselves what the future will bring. Marriage is a big deal, so it requires a lot of meticulous thought — after all, a wedding day is supposed to be a once in a lifetime experience.
So, if you plan on it being your first and only rodeo, you want to make sure you’re ready for the ride. Although a little hesitation prior to such a big commitment is completely normal, it is in your best interest to watch for potential warning signs that you may not be prepared to tie the knot.
You’re not willing to compromise.
Any happy, successful relationship — romantic or not — requires compromise. Yes, it’s ok to be a little selfish — meaning you should make yourself and your physical, mental, and social health a priority, but if you find it difficult to care about the health and happiness of your partner even a little bit, you have a problem.
"Typically, commitment phobics are inflexible and loathe compromises," Darlene Lancer, JD, MFT specializing in codependency and marriage counseling wrote on her professional blog."Relationships revolve around them."
I’ve been with my fiance for six years, and we both agree that compromise has been the anchor that has kept our relationship grounded. It’s something we made a promise to embrace from the beginning, and I remind myself of it every day. It keeps us humble and understanding of each other, so it’s really important.
Remember, compromise doesn’t have to be the ultimate sacrifice, it just shows that you care about the wishes and desires of your partner as much as you care about your own.
You have trust issues.
Some people's trust issues stem from past experiences or insecurities, and that's ok. But you have to be transparent about them with your partner to keep them from ruining your relationship. No one likes feeling like they're not trusted, especially when they haven't done anything to warrant it.
Often, an unwarranted breach of trust "deals with pre-existing issues," like family or childhood trauma, Lynda Cameron Price, Ed.S, LPC, AADC, licensed professional counselor and certified addiction professional told INSIDER. "Trust is significant because it's one of the core issues we deal with," she said.
If your trust issues are rooted in an unresolved issue between you and your partner, that's where the situation gets extra sticky. They will only bring resentment and bitterness in the future, so it's best to confront them and work through them before walking down the aisle.
You're not done "exploring."
Obviously, this piece only applies to those who are interested in monogamous relationships. You love your significant other, but you can't shake the feeling that you're missing out on new and different sexual experiences with other people. There's no shame in having those feelings, but if you're experiencing them, you may not be ready to say, "I do."
If you think your partner may share these feelings, it may be worth having a conversation about to see if an open relationship is right for you.
"If you are truly interested in an open marriage, you should have been practicing polyamory or swinging long before you headed up the aisle," Tammy Nelson, Board Certified Sexologist, Certified Sex Therapist, and the author of The New Monogamy told Huffington Post.
Communication is key. It's your relationship, and you can do whatever you want with it, as long as you're both happy. That's the beauty of love.
Someone's always picking a fight.
We all have that one friend who insists on finding a love interest they can fight with, because according to them, a relationship without fighting just doesn't constitute "real love." Sure, it's ok for some of your love (or lust) to be boosted by some flustered feathers and make-up sex, but hate-fueled conversations that end in separate sleeping situations are an entirely different story.
"When you don't know clearly who you are, you're going to pick at others," said Price. "It's [about] understanding how to fight, and what it is we're fighting over."
If you find that you're resenting your partner in daily activity for no good reason, and you're quick to snap at them but you can't figure out why, there may be some underlying relationship issues that need to be addressed before marriage will be a good idea.
You're keeping secrets.
"These can include the way and with whom you spend your time, information about your finances or your frequent use of a substance," Elisabeth LaMotte, a clinical social worker, psychotherapist, and founder of the DC Counseling and Psychotherapy Center told HuffPo.
It all starts with sneaky text messages, a changed phone passcode, and suddenly, you're making up excuses to stay out late without your partner.
When you make the decision to marry someone, you make the decision to share all aspects of your life. Or at least most people do. Sharing everything, from the silliest to the most intimate things about yourself with your spouse is one of the most special aspects of marriage, so if you're not prepared for that or you feel the need to hide things from your partner for whatever reason, you're missing out on what could be. If you know for sure you prefer your own space, it's worth having the conversation with your partner before making marriage official.
You have an un-confronted addiction.
Addiction is powerful, and although those who struggle with it deserve love just as much as everyone, it requires a lot of attention and work to reconcile, which sometimes makes it harder to be committed to developing a marriage.
If you struggle with an addiction of any kind, it's crucial for you to talk about it with your partner.
"That's the time secrets need to come out," or you're misrepresenting yourself as a person, said Price.
When you're married to someone, you should know everything you can about that person: the good, the bad, and the ugly. Coming to terms with addiction is definitely part of that, and although it can be a terrifying experience, you should address it early on to keep it from affecting your relationship long-term.
You're in a relationship for the wrong reasons.
It's a loaded statement, yes, but it's a relevant one. Many failed marriages and relationships are the results of bad intentions, or good intentions gone wrong. Before going all in, think about how and why you got into your relationship in the first place, and make sure you genuinely care about the person you're going to marry — that you're not saying "yes" out of convenience or codependency, meaning you're with someone just so you don't have to be alone.
"Especially during courtship, [codependents] accommodate and please in order to be loved by someone to avoid a breakup. Once married, there's often disappointment when the relationship feels unequal," Lancer wrote in another blog post.
I say all of this to also point out that marriage isn't for everyone, and it doesn't have to be for you. But if you do plan on spending your entire life with one person, you want to make sure you're 100 percent prepared before making the investment, emotionally, and let's be honest, financially too. If you think weddings are expensive, you definitely won't want to foot the bill for a divorce.
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