- There are 8 different kinds of friends everyone needs in order to feel truly supported.
- Some of these types are: builders, champions, collaborators, and energizers.
- 'Builders' help motivate us, 'champions' are our personal cheerleaders, and 'collaborators' are the ones you share a lot of interests with.
- It's also important to have a 'companion' friend, who's always around when you need them, and an 'energizer' — who always has fun things to do.
Do your friends sometimes disappoint you? Ever feel like there is something missing in your relationships? You're not alone.
Tom Rath and the Gallup organization discovered something interesting: The vast majority of the time, no one pal offers you everything you need from your relationships.
Some of your friends are great listeners… but they're not always there when you need them. Others are intensely loyal… but just not that great at helping you out of a jam. And so on.
We get different things from different friends. And sometimes even with a sizable group you're still not getting all the things you want in order to feel truly supported in life. Kinda like how to be healthy you need the four different food groups — you can't just eat cookies for every meal.
"Friendship" is a pretty vague word. You generally don't even know everything you want from your relationships to feel whole — you just know something's missing. There's a gap.
So Rath and Gallup got to work. They surveyed over a thousand people to find out what the types of "vital friends" were — someone who if they vanished, your life satisfaction would noticeably decrease.
What did these types of friends offer? How do they round out your life? What are those things we all want from a group of friends to feel truly fulfilled?
Rath breaks down the results of their research in Vital Friends: The People You Can't Afford to Live Without.
It turns out there are 8 types of "vital friends." Many of us don't have all of them in our squad, and that's why we often feel disappointed or like we're not getting everything we need. (You have to collect all the different Pokemon to win at the game called life.)
So let's break down the 8 and get the basics on what they are, learn where you might meet the ones that are missing, and find out how to strengthen your relationships with the ones you already have. We'll also look at what you should do to be better at the role which you play in the lives of others.
Okay, time to get friendly...
1. The Builder
Just because you're not in Little League anymore doesn't mean you don't need a coach. Someone who motivates you and encourages you to take it to the next level. That supportive friend who believes in your potential and won't let you rest on your laurels.
Builders are great motivators, always pushing you toward the finish line. They continually invest in your development and genuinely want you to succeed — even if it means they have to go out on a limb for you. Builders are generous with their time as they help you see your strengths and use them productively. When you want to think about how you can do more of what you already do well, talk to a Builder. Much like the best coaches and managers, these are the friends who lead you to achieve more each day.
Lacking a Builder in your life? We all need that person who nudges you to be all that you can be. Start asking more people for advice, then vet based on who gives solid answers and supports you. Who checks in with you a week later to see how things are progressing? That's your new Builder.
Want to make the Builder you have better? Tell them your goals and what you're struggling with. Tell them you appreciate their support… and give them permission to nag you if you slack.
What if you're a Builder? How can you be more helpful to your friends? Pay attention to what they're up to and offer help. Check in with them if goals they said were important do a vanishing act. Some people need a supportive voice in order to follow through.
My friend Jodie is a Builder par excellence. I tend to only do things that interest or excite me. So my life can get a little unbalanced. (That is a tsunami-sized understatement, by the way.) When I neglect things that, oh, "keep me breathing" or "make life worth living," Jodie offers reminders, support… and then nags me relentlessly. So I always do what she says…
Eventually.
Builders motivate you and keep you going. Who sings your praises to others?
3. The Collaborator
Who loves that same strange thing that you love? Who is that friend that the moment you see each other you roll up your sleeves and get to work on the next big caper?
A Collaborator is a friend with similar interests — the basis for many great friendships. You might share a passion for sports, hobbies, religion, work, politics, food, music, movies, or books. In many cases, you belong to the same groups or share affiliations. When you talk with a Collaborator, you're on familiar ground, and this can serve as the foundation for a lasting relationship. Indeed, in those conversations, you often find that you have similar ambitions in work and life.
How do you find yourself a Collaborator? Let the people around you know more about your interests and see who else happens to be into cryptozoology or 19th century pre-existentialism. Attend events where fellow enthusiasts gather.
What's a good way to encourage your current Collaborator? Send them articles about your mutual interest. Meet for coffee to discuss.
And what should you do to be a better Collaborator if you are one? Your mission, should you decide to accept it… Schedule a regular time to meet and work on your shared plan for Global Domination.
My buddy Mike is a grandmaster of all things visual. Mike and I don't do stuff together — we make stuff together. When I said I wanted to send my publisher some ideas for my book's cover, Mike fired up Photoshop. When I needed an author photo for said book, Mike's the one who took it. And per my above recommendation, I really should set a regular time to meet with him…
You have the Bonnie to your Clyde. Do you have the person you can call late at night when the worries get serious and you're having a dark teatime of the soul?
5. The Connector
No matter what the issue, they know somebody who can help. They make friends more often than most people make excuses. Even if they were locked in solitary confinement with no one to talk to, they'd end up best pals with the prison guard.
A Connector is a bridge builder who helps you get what you want. Connectors get to know you — and then introduce you to others. These are the people you socialize with regularly. Friends who play the role of a Connector are always inviting you to lunch, dinner, drinks, and other gatherings where you can meet new people. This extends your network dramatically and gives you access to newfound resources. When you need something — a job, a doctor, a friend, or a date — a Connector points you in the right direction. They seem to "know everyone."
What's it take to add a great Connector to your life? Look for the people who know everybody in a given situation. Don't be afraid to introduce yourself — these folks obviously like to meet new people.
How do you best leverage your Connector? This one's easy: just ask them for introductions.
If you're a Connector, how can you better help your friends? Be proactive. Don't wait for them to ask for help. Think about who might be good for them to know and offer an introduction. Or just throw a party and get everybody talking to each other.
My buddy Gautam knows more fascinating people than I know people. Not only is he the subject of one of the stories in my book, he also introduced me to two other people whose stories I told in my book. While I was typing this, Gautam has made 6 new friends.
So you know somebody who always knows somebody. But have you got a friend who just makes you feel great?
7. The Mind-opener
They send you interesting articles. They get you to question your assumptions. Talking to them makes your brain do things straight out of the dream sequences from "Inception."
Mind Openers are the friends who expand your horizons and encourage you to embrace new ideas, opportunities, cultures, and people. They challenge you to think in innovative ways and help you create positive change. Mind Openers know how to ask good questions, and this makes you more receptive to ideas. When you are around a Mind Opener, you are unguarded and express opinions aloud, especially controversial ones that you might not be comfortable sharing with other friends. These friends broaden your perspective on life and make you a better person.
How do you find someone who will open your mind? Share your ideas with more people. See who regularly offers new perspectives and invite them to crowbar your cranium.
What's the best way to help your Mind Opener work on your noggin? Encourage them to play devil's advocate with your ideas — and never shoot down their responses. Noodle on their suggestions for a while to fully explore them and to show respect.
What if you're the Opener of Minds? Listen — and offer suggestions. Send friends ideas you have and stuff they should check out related to their interests.
My friend Nick never met an idea he couldn't challenge. We go on absurdly long walks and he responds to everything I say with, "But what if…?" He always makes me think really hard.
I like him anyway.
So you have someone to challenge you. But who helps you plan how to get to that next stage in life?
Sum up
These are the 8 friends you need to be happy in life:
· The Builder: If you were a sports team, they'd be the "Coach."
· The Champion: Pom-poms not included.
· The Collaborator: The unindicted co-conspirator.
· The Companion: They'll be at the police station at 3 a.m. with bail money. Again.
· The Connector: This is the friend you and I probably have in common.
· The Energizer: (I'm currently taking applications.)
· The Mind Opener: If they sent you this blog post, I'm flattered.
· The Navigator: Like a high school guidance counselor, except useful.
Some of your friends may play multiple roles. And you might play different roles to different friends of yours. That's fine.
To most of my friends, I'm a Mind Opener. But to others I'm a Collaborator or a Companion.(After four espressos I might be an Energizer.) Figure out what you are to your friends. And then make yourself a better one.
Find the roles that are missing in your group of friends and work on strengthening the relationships with the ones you have. It's like a heist movie where you need a safecracker, a wheelman, a computer expert and the comic relief in order to pull off the job.
Life is hard enough. You're gonna need love and support to make it through.
Read the original article on Barking Up The Wrong Tree. Copyright 2017. Follow Barking Up The Wrong Tree on Twitter.
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